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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24377371">it's a feeling that won't disappear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/IronSwordStarShield'>IronSwordStarShield (SweetFanfics)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War Fix-It, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotionally Constipated Steve Rogers, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Misunderstandings clarified</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:13:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,150</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24377371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/IronSwordStarShield</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is to hear that. I was a little worried you wouldn’t want to help.”</p><p>Blinking, startled, Steve asks, “Why wouldn’t I?” </p><p>They’re almost at the medbay but Sam pauses. He stops and shoots Steve a mildly confused look. “Because it’s Tony? And you guys haven’t really made up after everything that’s happened.”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean I won’t help him when he’s in trouble,” Steve neatly argues around the point that Sam’s just made. Sam gives him a disappointed look but Steve ignores it and resumes talking towards the medbay.  </p><p>--<br/>Tony gets hit with a unique kind of love spell and Steve's forced to question every assumption he's made about Tony and their relationship for the last many years.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>527</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Captain America/Iron Man Reverse Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's a feeling that won't disappear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24380455">it's a feeling that won't disappear [Art]</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Is_Captain_Handsome/pseuds/This_Is_Captain_Handsome">This_Is_Captain_Handsome</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi, I’m I don’t care about what exact point in canon this story is based but it’s after incursions and pre CW2 cuz fuck CW2, we don’t know her, meeya. </p><p>I can't thank Jen and Jini enough for their support on this one. Like, it was a struggle bus to write despite knowing what direction I wanted the story to take. Half the issue was I kept going back to rewrite things. The other half was this whole pandemic situation which... And the other half was ACNH is just too distracting and cute! And also, big shout out again to the girls for beta-ing this for me ;;-;; Where could I be without you gals??</p><p>Also a huge shoutout to my RBB partner, Handsome, and their GORGEOUS fanart. Their support and cheering was another big boost of motivation to work on the fic. Just look at how beautiful their art is like just /dreamy sigh/ the subtle highlights, the shading, the EXPRESSIONS. I'm in love.</p><p>Title taken from Hailee Steineld - Back to Life. I was listening to that + Carly Rae Jepsen - Felt This Way + Troye Sivan - Take Yourself Home to get into the mood for this fic. Check the songs out, they're fantastic!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A lot goes into being an Avenger. There’s the obvious qualities: the ability to fight, thinking fast on your feet, being ready to take on the unexpected--stuff like that. But there are other things, other emotional qualities that a lot of people don’t consider. If you ask Steve, the two most important and often overlooked qualities the strongest Avengers have. The best of them don’t give up and they’re always willing to forgive.</p><p> </p><p>Personally, Steve thinks he’s got the resilience part handled. Just look at all the shit he’s been through in the last year of his life. He died, came back, brought SHIELD back, and put together a new Avengers team. He can handle anything that life throws in his way. The forgiveness part though? That needs work. At least when it comes to Tony. Because as soon as Hill tells him, “Enchantress put a spell on Tony and he’s lost all his inhibitions. Wilson called and said you need to get there pronto”--Steve’s got five different potential clusterfucks popping up in his head <em> immediately </em>. And he immediately feels guilty because Tony’s been good (for now). Tony’s the best of them. It’s not fair for him to assume the worst of him. </p><p> </p><p>And yet Tony’s made so many questionable decisions that it’s practically second nature for Steve to assume the worst from him. Which tends to make him feel guilty because he shouldn’t be assuming the worst. Even if there’s past precedence for it. But, Steve tells himself, this is a different situation. He shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s not Tony’s fault he got zapped by a magic spell. And if he was a good friend, which Steve likes to think he is, he needs to stop Tony before he hurts someone. Everyone remembers what happened the last time Tony lost his morals and no one wants a repeat of that. If you look at Tony’s decisions in the past couple of years... then well. No one can blame Steve for bracing himself for the worst case scenario.</p><p> </p><p>Hill nods approvingly when he gets his hard-light shield along with some guns. “I’ll send a team with you. They’ll be on standby around the Tower until you give them their orders. Just in case.”</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t need them,” Steve tells Hill as they make their way to the landing bay. At least, he’s hoping he won’t. Between him and the other Avengers, Steve’s confident they’ll be able to hold Tony down if things go South. He has to assume that nothing has gone wrong yet because Sam or Carol haven’t reached out to him. “Has the team given any updates about Tony’s status?”</p><p> </p><p>“They’re holding him in the medbay. Running tests to make sure the Enchantress’ spell didn’t have any complications and whatnot. Thor’s gone to track Enchantress. I think they said something about contacting Strange to see if there’s another way to break the spell.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve nods, distracted as he steps into the flying car. Hill says something else to him but it must not be important because she doesn’t snap at him for not paying attention. He’s thinking ahead of when he lands and what he should do. As he flies to Avengers HQ, Steve’s busy strategizing. He wants to be prepared for any number of scenarios that may arise, including but not limited to a return of “superior” Iron Man. Steve prays to whoever is listening that that man doesn’t show up again.</p><p> </p><p>Dread steadily gathers in the pit of his stomach the closer he gets to the tower. It coalesces into a crackling storm, making it hard to breathe, when Sam warns him, as they ride the elevator up to the medbay, “He’s not himself. Just... don’t lose your temper, okay? Thor’s going to drag Enchantress back and she’ll make her undo this spell. In the meanwhile, we need to make sure that we don’t aggravate Tony. We need to keep him calm. Let him do what he wants."</p><p> </p><p>“Aggravate him? Is there some kind of booby trap in the spell?” Steve asks sharply, glancing at Sam.</p><p> </p><p>Sam shrugs. "Better safe than sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve can’t help but grimace at the thought. This is not something Steve’s planned for. What if Tony wants something that they just... <em> can’t </em>allow him to do. What if he wants to drink? What if he wants to make something that might hurt people? What’ll he do then? </p><p> </p><p><em> We could always knock him out, </em> Steve plans as their hurried footsteps echo down the empty corridor. <em> That’s always an option. Safer than Tony accidentally hurting someone.  </em></p><p> </p><p>As he comes out of his thoughts, he hears Sam saying, “But now that you’re here, we should be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Heartened by Sam’s trust in him, Steve nods. “You can count on me. I’ll help in whatever way I can.”</p><p> </p><p>Sam’s face brightens immediately. “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is to hear that. I was a little worried you wouldn’t want to help.”</p><p> </p><p>Blinking, startled, Steve asks, “Why wouldn’t I?” </p><p> </p><p>They’re almost at the med-bay but Sam pauses. He stops and shoots Steve a mildly confused look. “Because it’s Tony? And you guys haven’t really made up after <em> everything </em>that’s happened.”</p><p> </p><p>“That doesn’t mean I won’t help him when he’s in trouble,” Steve neatly argues around the point that Sam’s just made. Sam gives him a disappointed look but Steve ignores it and resumes talking towards the med-bay.  </p><p> </p><p>He understands where Sam is coming from, where that concern was birthed. But Steve’s not doing this. Not today, not tomorrow, not <em> ever </em> if he can help it. Because if he starts talking with Tony about the gorgon’s knot that is their friendship? There’s going to be so much screaming and yelling and accusation hurling. And frankly, Steve doesn’t have the time, the emotional capacity, <em> or </em>the forgiveness.</p><p> </p><p>See what he meant about forgiveness being an area he needs to work on? Anger is so much easier to depend on because there’s a deep well of hurt underneath it. All the times Tony’s betrayed his trust, turned his back on Steve, the lack of regret on Tony’s part. What else can Steve be except bitter and angry?</p><p> </p><p>But maybe he’s a lot further down on the road to forgiveness if he’s standing here, ready to help Tony. It’s his duty. It’s the right thing to do. But above all else, he wants the best for Tony because he does still care for Tony. In spite of his anger. He owes Tony so much. Steve’s also better than holding onto grudges. It’d be crummy of him to turn his back on Tony now. The guilt of it, of turning his back on Tony when he needs his help <em> again,</em> would eat Steve alive.</p><p> </p><p>So he swallows, takes one last deep breath for good measure, gets ready to fight Tony, if it comes down to that, and steps through the closed doors.</p><p> </p><p>The first thing he sees is Hank McCoy walking by, eyes on the slim tablet in his hands, saying, “Other than a few bruises, you seem right as rain.”</p><p> </p><p>“Told you,” Steve hears Tony say, voice relaxed and jovial. He turns towards the voice. Tony’s sitting in the nearest cot to the door, dress shirt sleeves rolled up, grinning up at Carol, who is standing guard by Tony’s side. Tony looks good. Happy even. </p><p> </p><p>Carol sighs, “Sorry if I don’t trust you. You’ve got a history of downplaying your injuries.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’d be offended if that wasn’t true,” Tony replies.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh! Hello Steve,” Hank says, finally realizing they’ve got company. “What brings you here?”</p><p> </p><p>Steve opens his mouth to say that he’s here to make sure Tony’s okay but before he can say it, Tony’s saying, “Steve!”</p><p> </p><p>It’s the breathless happy quality to his name that has Steve’s attention snapping to Tony in a heartbeat. As Tony hops off the cot and walks up to Steve, Steve’s fingers curl into fists, leather gloves creaking softly. But in the next millisecond, Steve’s hand tenses in surprise because-- <em> why is Tony looking at me like that?  </em></p><p> </p><p>Tony’s aura is bright with happiness. It’s not an emotion that’s been directed his way, from Tony, for <em> years </em>. In fact, and this throws Steve for a loop, he can’t remember the last time Tony looked at him with such a look of pure delight. (It was before Wanda, that much Steve is certain.) There’s no negative emotions hiding in the depths of Tony’s eyes. There’s no guilt, no caution, no trepidation. Just unbridled delight.</p><p> </p><p>And then there’s Tony’s body language. </p><p> </p><p>Even before Civil War, there had been a palpable air of weary “I’m too busy to stop and talk right now” hanging around Tony. Add in the guilt of his actions after said war and Tony had been walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Yes, there’s still the usual cool confidence to his gait but the first thing most people thought about upon seeing Tony these days tended to be “he looks tired.” And there’s also the way that Tony’s been terrible at meeting his gaze since his return. The few times he has, Tony has looked away guiltily. Like he can’t stand to look at Steve. Which invariably pisses Steve off because after <em> everything </em>they’ve been through, how could Tony be such a fucking coward? Wasn’t he the one who said that he’d do it all again if given a choice? That he doesn’t regret his actions? So, why then, does he act so regretful?</p><p> </p><p>That’s not the point though. The point is how Tony is looking right now. Tony looks relaxed. Languid even. The way Tony’s walking up to him...  It’s hard to describe actually. First of all, there’s a deliberateness that puts Steve on edge. No, not on edge. It makes Steve feel self-conscious and a little hot under the collar. Steve keeps thinking back to old, cobweb-ridden memories of seeing Tony in a dimly-lit club, surveying the crowd for someone to dance with, to take home. There’s a rusted-over memory of an aching wish that Steve quickly shoves back to the recesses of his memory; <em> if only Tony would look at me like that. </em>Steve feels heat start to creep up the back of his neck. </p><p> </p><p>He’s quick to tear his eyes away from the attractive sway of Tony’s hips and shift back to Tony’s face. He needs to focus on the mission. He needs to know which Tony he’s dealing with. And for that, Tony’s eyes will be the dead giveaway. When Tony had been inverted? His eyes had burned electric blue. If Tony’s lost his morals again, then his eyes would reflect that. But when he pays attention, there’s just Tony’s usual eyes. Except they seem to be clearer, <em> bluer, </em>if such a thing were possible. Guilt-free, he can’t help but think. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as their eyes meet, Steve realizes he was wrong in his initial assessment. Happiness isn’t the only emotion Tony’s feeling upon seeing him. There’s <em> intent </em> there as well. Attraction. That has Steve taking a step back, feeling incredibly wrong footed because why is Tony looking at him like that? Steve almost turns around to see if there’s a lady standing behind him who Tony is looking at. </p><p> </p><p>And the thing that Steve hates the most? The utmost? Is that he’s on the back foot again. He thought he knew where he stood with Tony. He thought he knew his own heart. But now that Tony’s walking up to him? Steve’s realizing that he shouldn’t have come because he <em> hasn’t </em> known himself. He hadn’t realized his anger and hurt were a mere smokescreen. And all it took for them to be blown away was to be perceived by Tony and be accepted with joy. The fact of the matter is that Steve’s <em> missed </em> this. He’s missed Tony looking at him like he trusts Steve, fully and completely. (Like he <em> loves </em> Steve). Tony’s oldest friend and Steve loses at least 40% of his rationality when it comes to Tony.</p><p> </p><p>He hates this. Steve hates how conflicted he’s feeling right now. And all because Tony’s just walking up to him looking like Steve’s the sun shining out from behind the thunderclouds. The radiance of it, after years of stormy weather, is too much for Steve to take. This is not the emotional flash-flood he’d braced himself for. Unsettled and unmoored, Steve tries frantically to grab the loose reins of his emotions. He throws his chest out, stands firm, chin slightly turned up as a silent challenge to Tony. <em> I’m not afraid of you. </em> Steve tries to project. <em> I don’t care what tricks you’ve got up your sleeve. You won’t fool me again.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Tony doesn’t seem to receive those silent signals. Instead, he stands in front of Steve, looking happy-as-can-be and abuzz with energy as he asks, voice low but obviously pleased, “Were you worried about me?” </p><p> </p><p>The breathlessness of the inquiry takes Steve aback. But Steve’s quick to brush away his surprise. Gruffly, he answers, “I was worried that something might happen.” He tells himself he’s lying. He was more worried about the fate of the world than he was about Tony. He can almost believe it. </p><p> </p><p>Tony’s face softens in pleasure, the heat in his eyes transforming into something more hungry. Steve’s stomach twists itself into a knot. A small voice in his head is yelling in confused distress because Tony needs to stop looking at him like he cares about Steve when he’s done tons to prove otherwise. Then there’s the louder voice in his head scrambling for an explanation as to why Tony’s looking at him with rising lust. And there’s also that despairing whisper in the back of his mind what’s pleading in an ever growing voice, saying, <em> no, no, no. Not now. Not after everything we’ve gone through. Not like this </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Tony’s hand touches Steve’s shoulder; the silence in Steve’s head is deafening. Steve glances at the warm touch before looking back at Tony. “Thank you for caring, darling. But I’m alright. No wounds or anything.”</p><p> </p><p>Carol snorts at that, loud and disbelieving. Steve flounders in uncertain waters as Tony shoots the blonde woman a faux wounded look. Is Tony... flirting with him? Can’t be. Steve’s got to be misreading things, right? Sure, Tony’s prone to calling him all sorts of nicknames. But... it’s been years since Tony’s done that. That’s not how their relationship <em> is </em>anymore. There’s no room for teasing nicknames or light-hearted jokes. Least of all something like ‘darling.’</p><p> </p><p>Before Steve has time to process this new information, Tony’s turning back to look at him. Almost immediately, the good humor in Tony’s eyes fades away, replaced with concern as he studies Steve’s expression. “What is it? I promise I’m fine. Just some bruises but nothing more serious than that.” </p><p> </p><p>Is Tony even aware of the power he holds over Steve? Probably to some extent. That’s how he’s been able to manipulate Steve in the past. But right now, there’s nothing but beguiling concern, demonstrated through Tony’s gaze and the way he’s squeezing Steve’s shoulder. It’s a gentle touch. Nothing they haven’t done before. But it feels different. Butterflies flit around his chest as Tony drags his hand away, fingertips almost caressing. The shiver the gentle touch causes is enough to jar loose the proverbial bone stuck in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>Steve ignores the knots tightening in his chest as he croaks out, “<em>Darling?</em>”</p><p> </p><p>Head tilting to the side, Tony asks, “Yes? Is something wrong?” </p><p> </p><p>Ignoring Tony’s concerned question, Steve turns around. That’s when he realizes that Carol and Hank have left. Probably to give them some privacy. There’s just him, Tony, and an unhappy looking Sam in the med-bay. Steve meets Sam’s dark eyes and pleads, “What is going on?”</p><p> </p><p>“I told you. Tony got whacked with a love spell of some kind and we need you here because if you’re not, he says his chest hurts.”</p><p> </p><p>“My <em> heart </em> hurts,” Tony helpfully clarifies. "Like it's breaking."</p><p> </p><p>Steve stares at Tony, unable to comprehend what’s just been said, implied. <em> No, no, no, </em>the voice in his head continues to bemoan in rising cadence. White noise buzzes between his ears as he stares and stares at Tony’s gentle, loving expression. Desperately, Steve gropes in the darkness for the light switch, something that’ll turn his world back right-side up.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah but... what kind of a spell would--?” Steve makes a helpless gesture at Tony because he doesn’t have words to describe what’s happening with Tony. This affection after years of drought? Steve’s drowning. “Plus, isn't there some protocol in place on how to handle a situation involving love spells?”</p><p> </p><p>With a deeply sour expression, Sam tells him, “Of course we do but this isn’t a regular love spell. There are no protocols for a situation where someone’s romantic inhibitions go “poof!” and if they aren’t near the person they like, they might die!”</p><p> </p><p>Steve stares at Sam because that’s brand new information. Steve would have remembered if Sam had told him that. “You didn’t... mention that part.”</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t want to guilt trip you into it,” Sam sighs.</p><p> </p><p>Next to him, Tony shuffles in place. Steve forces himself not to turn around and see what Tony’s doing. He also tells himself to stay calm and stop being paranoid because just because he’s got his back turned to Tony, doesn’t mean he’s up to no good. </p><p> </p><p>Steve stiffens when he feels Tony touch the space between his shoulder blades. His stomach clenches when Tony says, “Before you think about it, the spell doesn’t give birth to new feelings. They simply bring existing feelings forward.”</p><p> </p><p>That swooping sensation? The ground just crumbled underneath Steve’s feet. Free-fall into the darkness. He hits every uncomfortable realization on the way down, the bruises on his soul blooming red-purple as he realizes that maybe... what if... why hadn’t he... </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Not like this. This isn’t how I wanted to know. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, Steve turns around to face Tony. </p><p> </p><p>Tony is smiling at him, far too gently, with far too much understanding, and with far too much love. It’s shameful to admit it, even to himself, but when Tony’s starts to rub his back? Steve feels his legs turn to water. How he stays standing as Tony speaks is beyond Steve’s understanding. </p><p> </p><p>“This spell strips away every inhibition placed around a person’s heart. There’s no reason not to share their feelings. I know what’s right and what’s wrong. I haven’t lost that. My feelings? They’re the thing that's front and center. No barriers, no excuses. Just the truth.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve’s ears have gone numb. But through the buzzing, he hears Sam mumble something about giving them both some privacy. Steve should turn around and ask Sam not to leave them alone. Better yet, he should give into the wriggling anxiety that’s crawling up his limbs and leave Tony alone. This isn’t a conversation he’s ready for. He’ll <em> never </em>be ready for this. This isn’t the truth he knows. Steve’s not sure he’s strong enough to accept this because it flies in the face of every assumption he’s held for... since...</p><p> </p><p>And yet. As Oscar Wilde said. ‘I can resist everything but temptation.’ And above all, there’s the smallest part of Steve that’s desperately hungry for Tony’s attention (and affection). And that’s the voice that slips through his teeth in the smallest of whispers to ask, “What’s the truth?”</p><p> </p><p>He’s falling and flying simultaneously when Tony’s fingers wrap gently around his wrist. “That I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve can’t breathe. His heart’s racing inside his chest. His body’s too hot and too cold. He’s shaking. He feels Tony squeezing his wrist and feels something inside of him creaking dangerously. A little more pressure and something inside of Steve is going to collapse. All his assumptions. His tower of righteous anger and hurt. </p><p> </p><p>“Since when?”</p><p> </p><p>A lifetime ago, back when he was young and foolish, he’d nurtured a tender hope that maybe, perhaps, if he waited and played his cards right, his friendship with Tony could be more. But now there is only bitterness. So much love turned sour because Tony doesn't love him the way Steve loves him. All his wildest hopes and dreams have turned to bitter ash thanks to Tony’s betrayals. Like green tea leaves steeped too long out of a misplaced understanding of how tea is brewed, his love is not palatable anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Since I met you.”</p><p> </p><p>An echo of something shattering rings inside Steve’s skull. The shards bounce around with Tony’s confession, neatly missing the slots that’ll take this information to the proper parts of Steve’s brain for processing. Or maybe some of Tony’s words <em> have </em> been processed and Steve’s brain has broken. Because there’s devastation left in the aftermath of Tony’s confession. Steve can’t think. Can’t breathe. Can’t <em> move </em>. He can only stand there, staring stupidly at Tony with half-formed denials stumbling into each other.</p><p> </p><p>Because it’s not possible. Tony can’t have loved him from the start. It can’t be real. There’s no way. Because if he did... if he did, <em> all this time </em>... then why did he... why didn’t he stop Strange? Why did he do all the things he did? Why stand against Steve? Why hurt him on purpose? You don’t do that to the people you love. </p><p> </p><p>“Steve? Darling?” Tony asks. Steve wants to shake his head but he’s frozen in place, staring at Tony in mounting horror. He’d have stayed like that, a living tribute to regret and ill-informed, brash decisions, if Tony hadn’t touched his face with unbearing gentleness. “Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p></p><div class="center">
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    <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/cap_ironman_2020_RBB/works/24380455">
      
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</div><p> </p><p>It’s the care with which Tony touches him that breaks the spell. <em> This isn’t right! </em> The voice in his head screams. <em> This isn’t how it was supposed to be! </em>One step back and Tony’s expression shifts into heartbreaking concern. </p><p> </p><p>“You can’t,” Steve finds himself saying, borderline hysterical and accusatory. “You can’t love me! If you did, you wouldn’t have done <em>half </em>the things you did!”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You wouldn’t have kept secrets from me! You would have trusted me with the truth! You have taken my side! You wouldn’t have erased my memories! You wouldn’t have asked me if I had something to do with Happy’s death! You wouldn’t have been so God damned cruel! You would have fought beside me! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>If only he had enough air in his lungs to throw all his hurt at Tony. But Steve’s breathless with anger and hurt, trembling under Tony’s hurting gaze. </p><p> </p><p>“I know,” Tony says, soft and placating. “I know I’ve done a lot of shitty things. But you have to believe me when I tell you that I did all that to protect you.” </p><p> </p><p>Steve wants to mock Tony and his noble intentions because he’s failed miserably at that. But he can’t find any of his usual anger. The ice has cracked, revealing the deep sadness underneath. Steve’s voice shakes when he says, “I never asked for that. I never wanted it.”</p><p> </p><p>He sees his hurt mirrored in Tony’s eyes. “I know. But I wanted to protect you anyways. There’s a lot of things I can handle. But you being hurt? I... I can’t. I’d sooner cut my own hands off.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then how do you explain the Civil War?” Steve asks, desperately hoping for things to make sense again. “How come you were willing to hurt me then? Or when you told Strange to take my memories away?”</p><p> </p><p>For the first time today, Tony’s eyes lower in shame. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” Tony admits in a small voice, one hand rising up to clutch at his forearm. “But I knew I had to. The SHRA.... I wanted to tell you about it. Months before it came to pass. But I knew how you’d react. I knew... that if I worked with you... you might lose your faith in everything you stood for. And that... I didn’t want to see you go through with that.”</p><p> </p><p>“That wasn’t your choice to make,” Steve points out. </p><p> </p><p>Tony’s shoulders rise up to his ears before he nods slowly in agreement. “I know.”</p><p> </p><p>“You had <em> no right </em> to make those choices for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know!” Tony exclaims, eyes shining bright with tears. “I know that!”</p><p> </p><p>“But you did it anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>Tony nods, unhappy and miserable. The last embers of his anger turn ashen and there’s nothing left. Steve needs a moment to collect himself, reeling in disbelief because he’s dreamed of this moment for years. Having Tony against the ropes, admitting his wrongdoing, obviously regretful. It doesn’t feel the victory Steve thought it would. </p><p> </p><p>Wearily, Steve runs his hand through his hair and sighs. Silence descends on the med-bay. It occurs to Steve, far too late, that Sam’s left them alone. He briefly wonders when Sam had quietly exited the room and tries not to flush as he wonders if Sam left before or after Tony’s confession. </p><p> </p><p>A quiet sniff pulls Steve out of his thoughts. Looking up, he catches Tony rubbing his nose clean. He’s a pitiful sight, if Steve’s honest. With a runny nose and tears streaming down his cheeks. Sighing because he’s got a soft spot the size of Texas for Tony, Steve pulls a packet of tissues out of his pouch and holds it out towards Tony. </p><p> </p><p>Startled, Tony glances at the tissues before looking up at Steve. When Steve nods, Tony accepts with a quiet thanks. For a long moment, Tony stares at the packet. Steve’s ready to ask if something’s wrong when Tony says in a low voice, “I love you too much to stay on the sidelines when you’re in danger. I knew that the choices I was making would piss you off but I went through with them. I thought... I thought I could live with you being angry at me. At least you’d be alive.”</p><p> </p><p>“Was it worth it?” Steve asks after a beat. “Hurting me to save me?”</p><p> </p><p>Tony exhales shakily, eyes downcast. “No. Because I lost you anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s nothing to be said to that. Steve silently watches Tony pull a tissue out and use it to blow his nose. Steve waits until Tony’s wiped his face clean before asking, heart in his throat, “Would you do it again? Make the same choices?”</p><p> </p><p>Steve can’t help but hold his breath in anticipation. It feels like the fate of their relationship lies in Tony’s answer. But Steve’s hopes come shattering down when Tony sighs, throws the balled up pieces of paper into the nearest trash can, saying, “Probably. I mean. What other choice did I have?”</p><p> </p><p>An old insecurity rears its ugly head up. “You could have picked me,” Steve finds himself saying, voice little-boy small. “I wanted you to pick me.” </p><p> </p><p>In his nightmares, when he’s imagined himself admitting this to Tony, Tony has laughed. He’s mocked Steve at worst and gently let him down at best. The point is the same; Tony wouldn’t choose him for a multitude of reasons. Tony’s a man looking ahead. Steve’s got one foot stuck in the past. They’re too different. There’s too much history between them. And worst of all, Tony doesn’t trust him to have his back anymore. So, honestly? There’s little reason for Tony to choose him, especially nowadays.</p><p> </p><p>Tony shakes his head. “If I’d chosen the anti-registration side, then things would have gone a lot worse than they did. You didn’t see th-”</p><p> </p><p>Steve shakes his head hard, stepping forward to touch Tony’s elbow. “I wanted you to pick <em> me</em>. I wanted you to say that we’d fight <em> together</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Wonder shines in Tony’s eyes. “What are you saying?” He whispers. </p><p> </p><p>“I just want you by my side. Where you’re supposed to be.” Steve takes a deep breath to steady himself before confessing, “I know you don’t trust me to-”</p><p> </p><p>“I trust you!” Tony interjects, immediately. “Why would you think I don’t?”</p><p> </p><p>Steve smiles wryly. “You didn’t tell me a lot of things.”</p><p> </p><p>“That wasn’t because I didn’t <em> trust </em>you!” Tony shakes his head, eyes wide with earnestness. “I trust you with everything I have.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Including your heart, </em>Steve’s mind helpfully points out. Steve swallows but his throat is too dry. He clears his throat but there’s no helping the roughness of his voice when he asks, “Then why didn’t you tell me? About the SHRA? Or The Illuminati?”</p><p> </p><p>Tony’s face twists into a terrible kind of sadness that makes Steve heartache despite his best efforts. “I was scared,” Tony admits in a hushed whisper. “Scared of how you’d take it. Scared that... you’d blame me. Or tell me I hadn’t done enough. That my best wasn’t good enough. I’ve always been scared of that.”</p><p> </p><p>An old memory flashes through Steve’s mind; Tony’s wearing the golden under-suit, telling him that Steve takes advantage of the fact that a lot of people look up to him. At the time, Steve had thought Tony had meant the younger superheroes and civilians. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought that Tony had counted himself among that group.</p><p> </p><p>Swallowing harshly, Steve closes the gap between them to press his forehead against Tony’s. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” he whispers, eyes squeezed shut in misery. “I never meant to make you feel like you’re not good enough.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not though.”</p><p> </p><p>“You <em> are </em>!” Steve insists, a tiny bit of his usual fire creeping into his voice because he needs Tony to understand. When he opens his eyes, he finds his gaze filled with the sight of Tony’s pleading expression. For a split second, Steve finds himself stumbling but he’s quick to regain his footing and continue. “I know what kind of person you are. You’re a stubborn asshole who’ll sell his soul if it meant keeping his people safe. You’re the best of us, Tony.”</p><p> </p><p>Tony’s eyes flutter shut. His next exhale is a warm puff of air against Steve’s mouth and chin. Steve holds his breath, waiting. He shivers when Tony’s trembling hands rise up to rest against his sides. “What are you doing Steve?” </p><p> </p><p>The question is a soft whisper but it ricochets inside Steve’s head with all the intensity of a cannon blast. “I don’t know,” Steve confesses. </p><p> </p><p>It’s the scariest thing he’s had to admit in an age but this is Tony. Tony who has seen Steve at his best and worst and always held his hand out in friendship, love, and support. Tony who always catches Steve when he falls. Tony who opens his eyes and looks at him with so much hope that Steve’s knees almost give out on him.</p><p> </p><p>“You keep this up and I’ll think...” </p><p> </p><p>Steve waits a few seconds, waiting for Tony to continue. But when he doesn't, with his heart in his throat, Steve asks, “Think what?” </p><p> </p><p>Tony swallows. His eyes fall shut, brow twisting into a pain expression before he whispers, “I’ll think you love me back.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve breathes in deep because this is it. The opportunity of a lifetime. The scariest leap of faith he’s ever going to make. “I do love you,” he confesses. It’s a little shaky but it’s out there now. Manifested.</p><p> </p><p>Tony shakes his head, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes again. He takes a step back, out of Steve’s embrace. “Not the way I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>It hurts like hell to realize that they’ve both been nurturing the same insecurities, the same wounds. How much time have they wasted due to this misunderstanding? If either of them had been more open about their feelings for each other, how many tragedies could have been averted? How much hurt could have been prevented? </p><p> </p><p>Steve swallows and shakes his head. The what-if’s aren’t important. He needs to turn his face forward. He needs Tony to understand that they’re on the same page. And knowing Tony, he might not hear what Steve’s saying. </p><p> </p><p>In his most indulgent moments, way back when, Steve would lie in bed and imagine what it would be like to kiss Tony. Lovely, undoubtedly. Sometimes he had imagined them falling into a passionate embrace after a heated battle. Other times he had imagined them turning to each other in the dead of night, when it would feel like they were the last two people left on Earth.  But he’d never imagined this scenario where he’d be kissing Tony to convince him that they’re on the same page, emotionally. </p><p> </p><p>He closes the distance between them, one hand rising up to cup Tony’s cheek and the other going around the brunet’s waist. It’s a butterfly kiss at first. A gentle brush of his lips against Tony’s, here and gone. Not enough by any standards. Tony’s eyes fly open in surprise and Steve holds himself still, hoping desperately that his face isn’t red. Tony’s lips shape Steve’s name. His fingers squeeze Steve’s waist. </p><p> </p><p>“Get it now?” Steve asks, voice rough as sandpaper.</p><p> </p><p>Tony licks his lips and Steve can’t stop himself from tracking the motion, a new heat sizzling in the pit of his stomach. When he looks back up into Tony’s eyes, there’s mischief burning there. “I... uh,” Tony clears his throat and tries again, “I might need a reminder or two. Just to be sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Laughing, Steve pulls Tony back for another kiss, firmer this time but with just as tender and sweet. But they both break down smiling, a laugh bubbling out of Steve, when Tony rubs their noses together. Tony’s hands are warm against his back. His body firm and thrumming with energy underneath Steve’s palms. </p><p> </p><p>“Say it,” Tony murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?” Steve asks, just a little love drunk and kiss stupid.</p><p> </p><p>“Say it.”</p><p> </p><p>Frowning slightly, Steve almost asks, ‘Say what?’ but then it clicks. Honey and lemon drips in. Steve feels golden amber warm. He grins at Tony and says, “I love you too, you jerk.” </p><p> </p><p>Tony laughs, a quick bark of amusement, before he pulls Steve into a tight hug. “Love you back, Winghead.”</p><p> </p><p><em> My Shellhead,</em> Steve thinks happily, burying his face in Tony’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>A couple of hours later, Thor brings Enchantress back, literally shaking her until she agrees to take the spell off Tony. As soon as she’s done so, Tony glances at him, blue eyes filled with worry. Steve knows that look. He needs to nip Tony’s concerns in the bud. Needs to stop Tony’s insecurities from raising their ugly head and talk him out of being with Steve before they even start.</p><p> </p><p>Before Tony can say anything, Steve grabs hold of him and kisses the stuffing out of him. Carol and Sam make matching noises of surprise. Hank makes a weird ‘gruk!’ sound. And Enchantress says, voice dripping with disgust, “This wasn’t what I had planned!” Someone hits her, probably Thor if the heavy <em> clunk! </em>noise is any hint. The villainess hisses angry curses under her breath. </p><p> </p><p>Steve pulls away, their lips parting with a soft smack. He grins with self-satisfaction at Tony’s utterly dazed look. (He also avidly ignores the confused questions arising from their friends nearby). “Do you still like Italian?”</p><p> </p><p>“Huh?” Tony asks, blinking in confusion. “Italian?” </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’m taking you out tonight. On a date.” Steve clarifies because he’s not leaving any room for miscommunication between them. Not anymore. “A romantic date. I’ll pick you up at 5. Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>More noises of confusion from their friends but Steve’s attention is focused on the widening of Tony’s eyes and the glimmer of hope that’s beginning to sparkle therein.</p><p> </p><p>Clearly still bewildered but quickly catching up, Tony says, “I...okay.” </p><p> </p><p>“Great.” Steve nods and leans in to kiss Tony once more. For good measure. And then once again because he’s weak and Tony’s very kissable, especially when he looks all rumpled and confused. Grinning, he gives Tony’s hip a quick pat before taking a step back. “I’ll see you then.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve takes a couple more steps back, walking backwards, feeling fit to explode with happiness as he sees Tony’s surprise melt away into wondering delight. Steve’s aware of the fact that he’s grinning like a goof but he can’t do much to stop it, especially when Tony’s lips turn up into a crooked happy smile of their own. </p><p> </p><p>They only break eye contact when Sam grabs Steve by the arm, saying, “When you said you guys have talked it out, I didn’t expect <em> this </em>! What the hell happened after I left you guys alone?”</p><p> </p><p>Like a sunflower turning to the sun, Steve can’t help but turn to look at Tony, who has Carol all but bouncing next to him as she asks him something. Tony glances over at him and they both grin, helpless but happy.</p><p> </p><p>Clapping Sam’s shoulder, Steve says, loud enough for his voice to carry over to Tony, “I’ll tell you about it later. Right now, I’ve got a date to get ready for.”</p><p> </p>
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